Afraid Inside - Live-blogging a vision
I can feel there’s something inside me that another aspect of me is brushing off, hushing, and maybe a third angle saying that there’s no point in bringing it up anyway.
It’s the kind of feeling you have when you sit with a friend and you can tell that something is on their mind but they keep making huffy sounds to play halfway that nothing is wrong.
So I’ll do a little live-blogging and see what I can find. This is similar to how I guide others, and doing a written Q followed by A often helps me out.
Where do you notice the feeling coming from?
My right side, slightly up to my right eye down to my lower torso, but as I focus on it it’s collecting mostly around my neck and eye/face. It’s like a small cloud. It’s quiet right now. The cloud is still originating on my right side but is extended out past the left side of my neck like a low flat cloud.
There’s a ripple right to left, like someone is trying to sweep the cloud over the left side to cover it up. A gulp of tears rose as I typed that. M face is all screwed up now with teh sob. Some part of me is displaced, sad, and covered. And it feels like my feminine side. I see an image of a very feminine figure in a ballgown who is angry and hurt like her trust is broken at the moment. She’s mad and sad. Agitated movements. Taking up most of my visual field now. (My eyes are closed.)
As I zoom in closer and closer (or the image does that for me) I zoom in on her mouth and it looks like it’s gagging on a fish. There’s a feeling of fabric on my right shoulder like a cloak of velvet.
She is angry. Rageful. Scorned. She doesn’t want to wear my work clothes any more, which are very masculine black clothes. She’s screaming now though I can’t hear it.
I see a great big sled dog bounding across the camera with snow. I ask if it’s the sled dog that took away my issues with my mother once, and receive a yes. (Previous IFS session with a coach).
She stops in front of me, cuddles up and lays down. A thought crosses my mind that this is too weird to share but seems to let the vision continue. I thank it for its warning.
I feel sadness welling up through me, central in my body but more to the left, more on my back side and moving upward. The sadness dissipates.
The princess woman seems far away, I can see her in the distance and try to bring her back to check in. She’s happier at the moment, wearing plum-colored satin and looking flirty and bouncy. Not to me, just in general.
She is now sitting at a pool of water, her feet dangling in as she smiles at her reflection. It’s a nighttime scene, with bright bright moonlight above her. The water laps.
I’m releasing the need for any logical closure.
Or need for any of this to make sense to you.
Just being here. It doesn’t feel like there’s anything else to witness or be done right now…. I’m checking.
I ask “Is there anything you want to tell me or show me?”
I see a grey Persian cat that I’m seeing from below as if I’m in a hole looking up, and I am very small.
I see time and space slowly begin to twist one way and the other. I see a bicycle. In an apartment. Time folds. Seeing a balcony in …a European country? Flowers. I’m just watching. I’m watching a girl who looks a lot like a cartoonized version of a girl I knew in Durham. That I admired a lot. She is looking up and down the street from the balcony. Faeries with toadstool umbrellas look up from below. The street is rich and gay. Lots of friends wave from the other balconies. The sky is blue above though the street has rain. Things don’t have to make sense here.
I feel I am beginning to reach the end of my tolerance for the vision at today’s time. I express my thanks toward it all and begin to come back.
I interpret some of that as masculine feminine dynamics. My feminine side screaming and rageful and wanting to be freed, and as I type that I can perceive something in me telling her hush hush. It feels like the need to scream. I feel a strong desire not to share this part because she is/I am bitterly and savagely aware of how much of the world would tell me to shut up or try to explain me away. I wish to go for the throat.
It may be that I need someone else to hold space for me as I talk the rest of it out.
I feel different. More grounded and less fear in me. More stable in my center. This is the most predictable feeling after a vision is let to fly, unencumbered.
I may go deeper but without the threat of public forum as I’m doing here lol. I have more images coming through already. And an impatient side of me that always just wants to be finished already.
Going into vision with yourself is a part of what I teach in the processing portions of The Supportive Mind, on sale for a little less than two weeks now.
Curious?
Click here and see the reviews from people that took it the first time as well as exactly what you’re gonna get.