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Chapter 2 of 2023
I haven’t felt “depressed” the way I did for about the last week since I was a teenager.
This morning I felt the clouds part.
(From that caption ^) I don’t think I forced myself to do anything, I just let myself be sad and lonely and without hope for things getting betterteaches her mobility clients to do, I’ll keep notes like this about what worked or at least what chronologically led up to a feeling of surviving and breaking out above the clouds.
I saw @themarcocara yesterday and got to express my feelings in story for as long as I needed to while he just listened and empathized, something we are actually practicing doing together. Like getting together to practice the skills. It’s incredible.
My roommates blessedly didn’t try to force anything either
I knew that exercise would predictably shift my mood chemical soup but I didn’t want to do it
I also started praying in earnest and that’s been its own marked experience going from being unable to visualize things going the way I wanted them to to having access again to those images, and more vividly than I had prior. I’ve prayed before, and I felt lower than I ever have this time.
And today I wanted to get up and go for a jog. @thegroundedathlete’s stories on the track today were kind of the final push out the door to set a timer for just a few minutes and go.
I hate the intention to cap off a story as a great success or now I won’t have any problems ever again bc I’m THROUGH! the depressive feelings bc that’s the unrealistic grasping at permanence and a neat bow that doesn’t really occur in the continuity of life
I’m gonna feel scared and like shit again
And like my friend
For this time that’s prayer, being with emotions, meditating, reading fiction, probably less scrolling Instagram would be ideal but there was that, a lot of sleeping alone in my room, writing, releasing and receiving reflection with someone who can do it with me, not completely losing my shit with unhealthy foods or anything that majorly distracted or avoided how I was feeling. I still worked my job at Vons over this time as well, though I know I was being looked out for in how my schedule naturally turned out too.
When I went to work today, I still felt that new lightness in my body.
Mind, during the last 7 days I felt like I could not even imagine anything I wanted happening for me. I felt stuck and sad and sleepy. I felt like I had a heavy weight on me and I struck a ceiling that smashed me back down if I even considered getting out of the spaces that were making me unhappy.
I started praying because I was scraping bottom so hard there felt like nowhere else to turn.
During prayer this morning I was able to see new things again, and during a prayer yesterday I felt my heart open up a little bit and my torso had more space in it. The visions of my future I had today were so clear and un-sugarcoated. It was real and reminded me that in achieving new things there would also be discomfort in the process.
I went for my jog. My friend said they were proud of me. I got to work early.
The new lightness continued.
At work my bitchy manager was super nice to me.
My schedule change request went smoothly.
I had help whenever I needed it.
I got invited to go to dinner and dancing this weekend by another friend.
Spoke on the phone with a friend I love talking to and never get to after work.
And also received a call from my friend and spiritual sword-wielder Jason as I was winding down for the night. I was able to see and break through fears and how I’ve been what-if’ing myself to exhaustion and death. He held me to the fire until I broke through myself, and now I can hear in the spirit realm where I was afraid to before and I get to nurture that connection.
All that to say it’s very interesting to watch the dam break on my energy and then also see what flows in. What “just happens to come in” on the very day my energy shifted, that I did not try very hard to shift.
In the thick of it it feels IMPOSSIBLE to think that it will even end. And it ends anyway.
I know that depression precedes a leveling up. A breakdown precedes a breakthrough. Just don’t try to convince me of it in the middle, because THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT (I swear). And that’s ok. I don’t want to miss the experience. Even if it sucks.