Give so much they can never hope to pay you back
I should have taken a photo of it, but I thought I’d have another chance.
“Give so much they can never hope to pay you back” was printed out and stuck on the office window of my friend Chris Ruffolo, of thinkmovement.net, a site homegrown out of love that I have a feature on in a few places.
I went to Woodburn, Oregon (Or-eh-gun, I think I was told to pronounce it) at the beginning of August to attend the Think Movement gathering of movement nerds who like to experiment and think about bodies.
Honestly, I gave one of my worst presentations there. I did not make the connections with the crew I’d have liked to during my class, and even with that people seemed to have a pretty good time overall.
This fuckin line about giving keeps ringing in my thoughts.
Despite the swimming session, the conversations about how our bodies grip with our shoulder blades more than with our hands, learning how to run a high school class with connection, watching high school javelin throwers get coached, an energy vortex in a 2-chair yoga class I actually enjoyed, seeing COLIN, and outright play, the thing that shows up in my dreams is the concept of giving so much they can never hope to pay you back.
You might be like me, and initially shrink your neck down while lifting your shoulders to your ears in hideous offense to the potential for over-giving, for your energy draining away in some act of service, as you read the words.
But watching and interacting with Chris does not paint a picture of being everyone’s bitch. She gives earnestly, honestly, and without harm to herself.
My friend Joel, when I brought up giving, said that if we have to think about giving or whether or not we want to then maybe it’s not giving.
Perhaps genuine giving is something that flows out of us.
A resultant outpouring of inner generosity and what leads to it.
Joel and I didn’t go too far into it from there, choosing to talk about other things while catching up.
But his injection leads me to wonder what giving actually is.
I would say it is rather unconditional. If it is given with the intent to withdraw based on how it is received it’s not the same thing.
If you decide to change your behavior afterwards based on the reception, that is not the same thing as providing conditions for the gifts to be offered in the first place. These conditions may be unconscious, only becoming obvious when an emotion flares up, like the classic “nice-guy syndrome” of someone offering friendship but raging as soon as they feel slighted.
“Oops. I just didn’t admit to myself I that I wanted to fuck her. Turns out I wasn’t really giving in the true spirit of the word.” - is different from, “I offered, she declined and I don’t gain energy from our interactions. I will cease pouring my energy into this direction based on this new information.”
Such realizations can be a gift to self-awareness, a “holy shit!” moment of where I wasn’t being true.
When I skim and scan myself for integrity, the most genuine search engine lies in a combination of desire and “no.”
How honestly can I be with my own desires, fully admitting and feeling them, and how graciously would I accept a refusal of those desires.
It seems that when I completely and wholly let myself want, it feels less dependent on any one person fulfilling the want. It satisfies a lot of the friction I would feel if I was rejected. Feeling a want fully makes hearing “no” easier. Before that point it is precarious, dependent, delicate, demanding of the other to make things right.
What I want is fully within my control in genuine giving. I want my father to tell me he loves me is on shakier legs than my ability to ask him to tell me that he loves me. Offering something is strong when the offering itself is my desired gift to the world. When my offering is cretinous and unhappy if nobody takes me up on it, well, I probably have something to admit to myself or others.
How can you give so much that they can’t hope to repay you? It seems the search lies with knowing how to give unconditionally. And if you can’t do it unconditionally, of doing enough digging that you acknowledge your conditions. “I only want to give this if they do that,” is a more honest bargaining scenario than being in denial of it.
I personally constantly wonder about my own motivations for doing things. It does feel a little shaky to be so questioning, to be honest. I think I’m going to try doing a weekly journal check-in with myself about how things are going, same as I would wish to do in a relationship. Knowing that there will be a time (soon) to discuss/self-discuss takes a lot of pressure and anxiety off of wondering if my needs will ever be met, and will maybe cut down on the amount of nervous questioning I do of myself.
My friend Cora is having an art opening this Thursday, come by to the North Park neighborhood of San Diego for cacao and beauty in a gorgeous setting! It’s at Maya Moon from 6-8pm.
Samantha I really thought that you gave a great deal. I thought that you dug deep inside for us and that was very valuable to me.
it's WILD the energy differences between "offering a gift freely given," "offering a gift in expectation of reciprocity," & "offering a loan"