I am way less stressed than most of my friends. Why?
Credit a friend pointing this out to me as I was unaware of my own abundance in this manner, but I have more freedom and free time than anyone I know basically.
It is true, that at least for now, I have less money than most people I know, and have for a few years. Sometimes that stresses me.
But I remember that, as a teen and pre-teen when confronted with that whole “what do you want to do with your life forever” phase school does that I always responded with,
“I want to make enough money to do whatever I want.” - childhood Sammy
I’ve had phases ranging from multiple jobs for 70 hour weeks for years to almost no work at all, highly stressed-out years, and for sure I am not pretending that a few months ago I wasn’t an absolute wreck, full of anger and bitterness, for longer than I’d care to admit but am happy to at the same time.
there’s been a range.
But I regularly spend long periods of time in the sunshine, have walked miles upon miles in the woods with my dog with no destination in mind and often climbing trees and fallen logs and wading in whatever waters we came across especially when wearing these shoes (but in seafoam green). (I always think of them as not-ugly crocs)
I share those things because I think most of us will relate to wanting to do those things and actually enjoy them.
You may not think sitting around meditating is exciting, or researching the dumb stuff that I do, but I bet you would like to sit in the sunshine more.
Unless you’re afraid of the sun and think you need to apply and then bake a cream onto your skin and have a low hum in the background whispering, “Cancer” over and over.
The health stuff and the relationship to my body aside, I do a lot of what I want to do in life and not a lot of stuff I don’t want to do.
I very very rarely unconsciously do stuff “I don’t wanna do.” Because when I do so it’s weighed against all the other dimensions of consideration - about the person I want to become, the things I value, and the context of the situation.
I have never agreed to enter a schooling system past high school that didn’t make sense to me in material, how it was presented, and what was expected of me.
I can’t imagine staying at a job that I hated, ever. That stressed me more than it didn’t.
And now maybe I’m even progressing to the point that I won’t stay in any relationships that stress me more than they don’t.
My recent ending of my engagement is a good allegory for this. It was a stress signal to me for a long time, but my approach to it helped me grow out of it.
I tried to take responsibility for everything I could. “Could” is an operative word here because I could have shoved things down more, complied more with things that I did not like to do, and relinquished my grip on something in order to stay for sure. But I gauge the word “could” on whether it cost a dismantling of my soul and my sense of myself.
Looking back, all the stress of the relationship was my fault. I tried to make myself wrong. REALLY HARD. It’s not Robert’s fault that I stayed and chose to fight, argue, and hate him for what I was doing to myself.
I learned so much about the layers of my psyche and expanded my abilities to interact with the things that stress me in careful ways. My willingness to be wrong opened up doors for me I never would have known existed. I also needed to galvanize my willingness to be right without doubt.
While you and I may desire vastly different lifestyles, I will say here what I often think when I’m talking to friends who are describing their stupid, stressful lives.
You’re doing it to yourself. You are literally choosing to be stressed out. You filled your schedule. You tell a story that you have to do the thing or be the way. If that stress is not benefitting you in some way, now, figure out why you’re choosing it and not in a flippant “it’s getting me somewhere” way. What is that stress allowing you to do, hide from, or avoid that you really want? And accept that if it’s the case. Know what you’re avoiding if you can. But don’t let the thing carry the blame for making you stressed.
Stress comes from internal conflict. I have developed and continue to learn massive ways to investigate when part of me is fighting against another part, but:
I am willing to bet $5 that you can stop doing something you fully or almost-fully don’t want to do and beat that story telling you you should right now.
I’m certain that your relationship to stopping what you don’t want is related to your ability to feel your emotions comfortably.
I am certain that you can choose to do more of what you want than you are doing right now.
I’m certain that your relationship to pleasure and receiving and probably your mother is tied up with choosing what you actually want for yourself, just because you want it. And that this also ties in with your comfort with feeling your emotions.
You can take some of the stank off of any stress, especially if you’re a woman, by acknowledging what is true about it instead of telling a story about how you have to.
Are you somebody that if I ask you what you’re noticing right now you always have to add on to it? Like you’ll say, “I’m noticing my shoulder hurts because I did this thing back in middle school and now it’s blah de blah and I didn’t sleep on it and now I…”
You might be addicted to story-telling and unable to be with what just is for yourself.
It’s kind of like you begin to let your body speak …
I’m noticing a pain in my shoulder…
And then immediately cut if off in conversation
“because I did this thing…”
Shut up for a minute and just let it talk.
Write, journal, or develop a speaking practice with a friend for you to work out your own true stories on so you can notice the repeating patterns of what you tell yourself, what you say, and the things you keep on trying to convince yourself of or avoid.
Simple acknowledgement goes a long way.
And it values your own thoughts.
I’ll be writing more on progressive loading and titration, or making sure you don’t start with too much weight on the bar when you’re trying to open yourself up to doing a new thing.
I think getting off social media has increased my clarity of mind immensely. Giving me more silence and fewer voices for my own to compete with.