I Understand Why Artists Want to Stay in Pain
Had I written this around 1pm today it would have been emotional, full of uncertainty and distress, and oh-so-many-tormented-questions. It probably would have been really interesting and dramatic.
Now that it’s 7:53pm in the evening…
I’ve digested a lot.
My anger this morning fueled me into actions.
My sadness did something I’m sure, but I don’t fully understand what happens in the turning of the soil - only that emotions move energy around at the speeds they specialize in. Anger is faster, sadness is slow. There is wisdom in both, no matter what we tend to think about them.
What really got me through was being with what was happening both by myself and with a friend I trust, in spite of the bit of embarrassment I always feel when sharing things I know will pass soon.
This was Colin, of course, farmer of the great Northwest, who shared his own processes back and forth in exchange with mine.
You see, shit doesn’t have to make sense in the end in order for it to be valuable.
Even though I suspected that everything I was saying would be completely different the moment I said them, I shared.
I unloaded negative thoughts as they spewed out.
I made decisions! That I quickly fell back on.
I know myself enough to lean in close and determine when to take myself seriously and when to take a beat before acting on an impulse.
Because I’ve had practice in observing myself like I’m a little zoo animal whose behavior I find so curious.
Can you do that?
Can you be kind to yourself as you watch?
Be both the vessel and the energy flowing through the vessel?
Taking myself seriously but not too seriously came with time, lots of time, accumulated over time…and my current practice is only 5 minutes a day.
5 minutes of being like
“OK, everything that’s in me. Whatcha got today? Let’s move however you feel is necessary. Show me. I’m listening.”
I’m writing this book on shamanic meditation because the shit works.
Five minutes a day devoted to being with yourself means so much less suppression. So much less built-up tension. So much less resentment, anger, or anguish. So much more genuine attention focused on letting yourself be you, right just the way you are.
Would that be nice for you?
I bet that if you take five minutes a day and let yourself be yourself you’ll see lasting impacts throughout your nervous system so quickly.
Here’s what I found in 5 minutes today.
It got me through:
The DMV, twice.
Doing LOADS of pretty disgusting laundry as a caretaker for 76-year-old Vern today.
Returning a rental van.
Talking unfruitfully with the leasing office.
Dealing with complications around moving about 35 times today.
It’s all like pretty trivial stuff, but so stressful, right? Non-emergencies are often the most antagonizing, not that I’m wishing for a real emergency.
I want you to be able to be with your life with presence to what is happening, good or bad, because you’re going to miss it in the end.
No one ever regretted paying more attention to their life, their kids, or whatever else was important to them.
Learning how to be present to it all is my mission, and my mission for you.
We Are All Shamans book is coming soon. A few more weeks of writing I think.
P.S. Last week I recorded a podcast while I was in the thick of things. I’m curious: Do you like personal emotional shares? Or do you think people should wait until the story arc is over and report back from there only?