I’m trying a new exercise where I wake up as if I already have the pastry baking job I want and then use that time to jump into my personal business stuff. Here’s a try at being coherent before 6 am. Let me know how I did.
It’s common for people to put off immediate relief in favor of…nothing. Martyrship, or a denial of themselves and love driven by the belief that it’s useless to try and help themselves.
My dad never took a break in 12 years of taking care of my mother post-stroke, where she was in diapers and essentially asleep on the couch all day.
“What’s the point? I just have to come back.”
Well, why sleep? You just have to wake up and sleep again. Why eat? If you’re going to get hungry.
It’s an interesting thing, living. Trying to figure out what is actually essential to life.
A recent guest on the Tim Ferris podcast says that knowing how to rest and goof off is actually an essential skill. It should be cultivated just as much as learning how to work hard is.
In my theory that life is just a series of pumps and cycles, that makes sense to me. Apply stress, release it, prosper. Apply constant stress, reap constant degradation to the quality of your life. No stress at all, perhaps experience stagnation of body, mind, and character.
Like I wrote recently here, taking a break from a growth mindset in order to ponder the idea that nothing is actually wrong with you can be a welcome relief that opens up more space and perspective than continually chiseling away at some narrow definition of fixing yourself. You may be damn right about somethings you put yourself at odds with.
It pays to attend to immediate needs.
If you asked yourself, “What do I need right now?” what is it you reply to yourself with? I got “touch.” And my intention is to go get some massage somewhere today from anyone that will give it to me. Jk. It almost feels that way in the moment though. I want to receive.
A diabetic in near-crisis might need orange juice.
But longterm they might figure out a strategy to get off the diagnosis altogether.
Oh man. I’m fading. I want to go back to sleep.
I woke up to keep my promise to myself and gain experience. Longterm I will need to go to bed earlier than I did.
A lot of mothers choose martyrship and misery, or at least they seem to.
Immediate term it may be helpful to do everything themselves. Short term it may even feel more stressful to ask someone to do some of the work. Longer term they might be able to look at their ability to communicate effectively, their relationship to help in general, and whether they want to be so rigid about how to do things.
Leading
^ (fell asleep, back some hours later in the day)
It’s ok to get an immediate hit of relief. I think most impulsive behavior fails to ask the question, “What do you need?” first. Sometimes my answer to chocolate cake is going to be that it is exactly what I need.
But other times, like when trying to reduce social media use, I write down what my thoughts and feelings are in the moment of impulsivity, and use that to figure out what I really need and want. What the impulse is hiding or covering up for.
Habitual reaching for things with degrading results comes from a sense of helplessness or unawareness (?) that something can change.
So if you notice yourself using limiting language - “It’s just this way/I’m just this way” - or complaining a lot, getting frustrated, projecting anger or experiencing a sense of helplessness or hopelessness onto others, I’m here to tell you that that shit can change, and it’s evidence that your immediate-term solutions aren’t working.
Maybe you aren’t using any immediate-term solutions and can start there, with the “What do I need?” question.
If the possibility of the answer feels IMpossible to get for yourself, ask again, and get creative. Is it truly impossible that you could get that need met? Or are you just limiting the answer? Even if you have to come up with 3 things that have to happen in order to get your need met, that’s a start. This is where other people are amazing at helping you.
Moms - what if someone (me) came into your home for just an hour to help once or twice a week? Would that make a difference in your life? What possibilities does that kind of space open up? That’s what I’m offering in my Mother’s Helper times, but up to 5 hours. Not in San Diego? What if you got a babysitter to come by sometime that you were actually still home?
Longer-term, look to people that have something you want, and learn from them. People that make sense to you when they speak or act. Put a few things and ideas into action and don’t simply scroll their feed all day.
Finally, ask yourself honestly what it is you get by or from NOT solving the problem. Sit with that one for a few minutes the next time you’re on the toilet.
Have a great day. I’m also going to meet with a group of doulas my friend told me about today! I’m definitely on my way to achieving my goal of helping moms locally and in the wider world. The pastry place didn’t pick up my phone call so I’ll drop by there in person tomorrow.
Here’s to achieving your goals and dreams.
-Sam