Today I had another session with Christine using Internal Family Systems.
I came prepared with a list of parts of me I wanted to get to know better. It really is so much easier to get an introduction with a third party around to help. I wanted to meet my angry part, my sexual part, the right side of my face part, and possibly a different part that emerges when I’m in need of connection.
All those parts called me out.
The discoveries I made were about the things inside of me that didn’t hold me in the same patience as I know how to hold clients.
It’s now over a week later and I no longer remember what I meant by that last sentence exactly. It probably needed editing.
I’m experiencing what I think is referred to as backlash from my system.
I’ve been all over the place, starting with several days of feeling and being the most grounded I have ever felt in my conscious life which I labeled as feeling “secure attachment” to myself. From there I began to slowly lose confidence, as the part that has mostly been running my life began to take back over from my Self. It’s clear that my parts either don’t trust my Self or they don’t trust the part that’s running things. Actually, that has to be the case. Otherwise I would be building trust. I find it difficult to unblend from the self-life part to negotiate with parts and help them, now that I know it exists. This also describes how it has felt very difficult and dependent on a third party to do this work. Those first few “secure” days were also marked by being the most silent in my mind I had ever encountered, followed by some of the noisiest days I’ve been aware of, with as many mood swings.
I know that we can heal the self-like part, and then it will be up to me to build and maintain that trust that my Self can be trusted to run things.
I wonder what the self-like part would like to do in another job capacity.
If the Self is not a part, why does it seem like it when I keep referring to it as “the Self”?
It is now Sunday, and today I felt depressed. I’ve been totally distant from Robert. During the secure days I was open and engaging with him, and genuinely saw so many positives.
Let me describe the self-like part.
It appeared and told me that its job was to protect me from anxiety about the past and the future. It’s the thing that keeps me always with one eye on what’s next, time to leave, insecurity. And its fear includes that I will never find a home. Ironically it seems to be making sure that I don’t. I wonder if it was around when Tyler was around. Its marked by having an agenda. My impression is that all of the other parts don’t trust it and are on alert, keeping me from connecting and doing lots of other things right now. It kinda sucks. I’m shrink-wrapped in self-like part. I was shown this several times.
I am curious about it, though I have a lot of parts in opposition with it, or polarization in IFS-speak. I think that every part that pops up seems to blend with me because I don’t have a Self active to help them out with the self-like part though I genuinely appreciate its protection. It would be hard to be hurt this way. Thank you, Part. I’m grateful. My body relaxed a little as I typed that. The shrink wrap lessened. Nobody unfamiliar with IFS will know what this post is about. I’m happy to be typing something as a journal.
We interacted with this part without having the time to heal it. Is that why it’s reacting? The system feeling more implosive than it ever has? What could I have done differently to reduce this feeling. The answers will help me with my own clients.
The session with Jonathon featured the only critical part I’ve ever had in a session, and it was direct and loud.