It’s funny how I have a little hurdle to get over now about sending more often, when I used to send every single day always.
Hi!
I have a long list of things to write about.
I was in a play of The King and I back in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd grade. I was one of the King’s children. Being half-Asian probably didn’t hurt for casting. This has little to do with this newsletter except I now have, “Getting to NO you, Getting to NO all about you…” in my head. A play on words for the signature song of that Rodgers and Hammerstein classic musical, sung by Anna to the children at the school and then together. Actually, this makes sense after all.
I was the kid who turned their back on Anna, seen here:
The sovereignty of “no” is that my values place it above all else.
To protect and defend the ability of one to say no to anything shapes the way I interact with the children every day. If it is at all possible I strive to protect it. I’ll address what I’ve been doing when it’s not farther down.
I will never force “sharing” which is not actually sharing if done under threat or against their will.
I encourage the kids to try asking another kid if they can have or use the object of desire when they’re done with it. Giving them an alternative to tragic crying and frustration is really great and sometimes even works lol. It helps to restore agency and usually the answer is yes from the kid they want it from.
I value autonomy and self-development about equally as high, so I often watch to see what happens before intervening at all. Will the child stand up for themselves if another kid takes their toy? Or will they break down? Or do they not care at all and wander off to the next point of interest? You’d be amazed at how often interactions happen in each category.
If a kid rips a toy from another kid’s hand and an argument ensues because they stood up for themselves, I’ll intervene after a few moments of letting it play out if it continues to escalate.
If a kid rips a toy from another's hand and a breakdown happens, I’ll comfort first, because the energetic damage is such that just giving it back often wouldn’t even make them feel any better, though that is usually the second thing I do once the emotions are cared for.
If a kid rips a toy from another’s hand and the other kid doesn’t care at all, I watch.
The kid that did the ripping often gets more upset than the one that had it ripped from them when I intervene.
Usually the one taking the toy is already in a more fixated and emotional state when they decide to go after it. The one with the toy was peacefully living their best life. Something is up with the ripper more than the rippee.
I see my job as managing the safety of the emotional states.
Which means if no one has a problem with the toy exchange there’s nothing to do.
Property rights come next and the ability to say no, no matter how much the other kid wants to play with their toy.
Kids watch how you treat other kids. If they learn that you will force “sharing” they will use that to their advantage to take from others. If they see consistency in owner’s rights, they learn a boundary and eventually how to better deal with it.
Kids are kind of like dogs in that they forget things two seconds later (a lot of the time anyway, not always) and I can’t even count how often I see one kid change the way they ask, get what they wanted, and go off playing together. No grudges, or small ones. One girl did share her cookies with everyone but Matthew today “because he was mean to her yesterday.” He was, too.
The more I intervene I’m convinced the less kids learn anything. I assume the kids can handle things until enough evidence speaks otherwise. But they are also learning new things CONSTANTLY and develop skill through trying and struggle and being frustrated sometimes. It pays to wait longer to see what happens before jumping in at all. Or waiting until they ask for help, which they may never, but I’m available for. I keep coming back to this open or closed loops idea. I see ideas get half formed in kids heads and an adult swipes it from them by telling them what to think or how they should feel or act ALL the time. I think most teaching should be done in questions that help them figure something out.
But really little kids, the under-5 set typically, don’t even have the brain development for reasoning, guys! Talk to them but stop trying to reason with them so much. They learn through consequences and energy. I could try to explain why they can’t run away or I can literally stand in their way and prove they can’t. One works way more effectively for the under-5 set. Often without any words at all.
TALK LESS with kids. Validate often, but even then do less of that. I’d rather the kid have a shot at developing an intrinsic sense of satisfaction than telling them how they should feel proud of themselves, unless that’s what’s needed - a piggyback ride on my strength. But for most, just being quiet a lot could go a long way toward helping the child develop understanding. Practice using energy instead, which means becoming aware of your own energy.
My job is to protect autonomy. At times that means protecting from imminent danger and overriding a no. Because if they’re dead it’s hard to practice autonomy. And I have a lot more experience in the world to draw on.
And sometimes I override a no for other less critical reasons, but make sure to try and be there supportively for any emotions they are feeling about it. I just repeat what they say often, in a calm tone, validating it. Works really great.
I think one of the kids has been better about their parents leaving after drop-off since I tried, “You wish mom and dad were here.” ::nods through crying:: “What would you say to them if they were here?” “That I love them.” Maybe it closed a loop that was left open by trying to distract and make the crying stop, but was just looking for resolution.
The thing I think has been most helpful to me so far is being honest. I don’t play if I don’t want to play. I don’t participate in the game if it stopped being fun for me because they change the rules every 2 seconds. I do play when I want to play. I do let them set the rules if they work for me too. I’m doing my best not to lie to the kids. I’m doing a pretty good job. It seems to make things go so much better.
Property rights come next and the ability to say no, no matter how much the other kid wants to play with their toy.
Think about some of this shit applied to the rest of their lives. To them as a teen. To them as an adult. How dark is it to imagine being forced to do something because someone really wanted it from you. Rape, anyone?
I don’t believe in doing shit to kids that will make them more susceptible to bullies or becoming bullies later through the power of the government or the manager they called to enforce what they wanted as right.
I want kids that experience their no being respected and mattering.