Stuff I've gotta figure out for myself
Personal working things out post
My feelings on death of me vs my father
If I died today I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’ve lived my life with enough integrity and focus on what that means to me to be actually pretty happy and proud of myself. As soon as that attention turns to my father I sense a bit of gift riding over from my previous sentence - that I am capable of taking individual challenges and handling them one after another.
When I imagine my father dying I imagine my grief. I have parts of me that believe I’ll be alone. Other parts that practically know I’ll have some money and the house, other parts that fear the burdens of dealing with the government when he dies, and other parts that judge those parts for thinking so practically about such matters of the heart. But there are practical matters, and I’m afraid of them. I want to always have the possibility of calling my father up and asking him for advice. Dad has been a safety net in more ways than one.
What I want is to honor him when he passes, which means not really telling people he died or having a funeral? I’ll figure out some way to respect his wishes and gain my own ceremonial or sacred sense of closure. When I think of being afraid of his death I think of the fear of the moment I call and he doesn’t answer. I feel that well up in my throat. That I’ll have to drive home and figure it out for myself whether or not he died. Of course, it’s possible that this isn’t how things will happen. Which is hard to believe but true. I never know what the future has in store for us.
Dad will die. And I will be torn apart with crying and grief and I will probably pull some things forward to regret that I also honestly do not want to do right now. It’s not my job to take his efforts and push them forward, whether in investing or food or any other of the things he’s spent much time on. I’ve found my own path, references, and beliefs with or without him.
Whether anything is ever not ok to say
I started to write about this a bit on Instagram today. If someone is saying something specifically to offend someone else, that changes the way what they are saying should be perceived. This aligns with my current obsession over the idea of agendas or not and what I am in service of. What if I just said overtly if I was trying to control you, or get attention, or spoke to the thing I was most aware of? I am in service to the truth and what’s true and where energy is trying to go. And sometimes now that gets confusing. Different parts of me know how to communicate with different energies better than others. My devotion has been to being honest. Which means that has to be what I want from others. And my attunement to energy tells me often times other people aren’t being honest. Like the Massachusetts instance, where I had to peel the honest words out of him through tactics to get around the polite visage. I want people to be honest, goddammit. It’s so much easier to deal with. I dislike this bullshit about people needing to watch what they say. It will take so much longer to get anywhere as society with everyone on watch for their words via offensiveness versus whether or not they’re being honest. And where does fun fit in to all of this? What was offensive last century or yesterday is different today and tomorrow. I bet there are a million great articles around the subject of the importance of the immunity of the jester. The jester represents humor, not the specialness of one human that has been deemed the jester and so he is immune. He holds civilization in his pockets. I have an intrinsic cringe over the idea that anybody should be “allowed” to say or not to say anything. As if the right comes only from some external source. Let’s say someone says something that falls flat - it’s goddam sharpening him to make his situation better. Let awkwardness rule.
When am I befriending someone out of getting something from them or what else is friendship, what is pure friendship?
This has been a good one to contemplate for a few months now. Pure friendship is existing without intentionally applying pressure to another person to do things that they don’t want to do with you. This leaves a lot of space for altruistic intentions and the belief that you can have someone’s best interests at heart, but also accept their no. I suppose I want friends that stop and consider whether or not they want to do things and then respond truthfully about it, and in theory it’s not my business to change or not accept what it is they say. In the Mass incident I mentioned above, maybe the better thing would have been to accept what the person said and let them live with the consequences of being stressed out and people-pleasing, but they also didn’t believe me when I said that I would be fine. The best thing to do would have been to figure out what I really wanted to do and stand by it. If I wanted to sleep in the car I should have said it. So many years later now, maybe what I really wanted was to do whatever they wanted to do. Friendship is reaching out when it is authentic to do so and being self-aware around when I want something. I have told people before when I felt I was trying to get something from them and that felt, weird. I was still trying to get something from them by telling them. I wanted them to do something for me and make it better or ok that I wanted it. I was pushing my needs on a party that didn’t need to know what was going on. I thought saying it would clean it up, but in the case I’m thinking of I believe now that I would have been better off working it out on my own or with someone outside of the situation, telling the outsider what I felt, what I wanted, and how. Pure friendship is probably being happy for other people’s happiness regardless but being honest about it if something in the relationship changes for me? I had a really nice moment a few weeks ago where I felt like I could be happy for other people just living their lives no matter what I thought about their choices at a new level.
What do I want to do
The most important question! The eternal revisitor. I want to experience hundreds of clients feeling freedom and depth in their lives. I want money to come to me in exchange for their happiness. I want people to win when they pay me. I want to garner and love on people and appreciate their desires such that they open and move farther than they did before they paid me. I want my intellect and personality to attract hundreds of clients to my unique way of saying and guiding processes. I want to work one on one for now. I want to have a group that people can go to and share which can start by me sharing their experiences on my instagram or tik tok. I want to travel whenever I want, with full faith and trust that Maggie is well taken care of and provided for. I want to visit my friends on the west coast. I want to enjoy picnics on rocks overlooking the ocean. I want to learn how to make homesteading foods. I want to have a garden and provide and tend to life. I want good sex and I want to feel connected to my fiancee. I want to walk at sunrise. I want to know how to do things I don’t know now. I want to learn. I want to feel everything and choose my path. I want to deliver this mortgage as paid for Robert. I want to support and be with him. I want to have online clients I work with every week on their ability to feel, be healthy, and think in the directions they desire to think into. I want to help people in the act of active creation.