There are two types of men
Check out the guest thoughts at the end
One type of man has deep meaningful male friendships where they speak with each other about their problems. These men are some of the manliest and wonderful beacons of their communities that I know, extremely masculine and elite in many ways besides ‘talking about their feelings w/other guys.’ They value deep inquiry and becoming more embodied versions of themselves. These men show up as leaders for others without enabling them or hurting themselves by doing so (at least, to the best of their ability). Women and men are served by them without needing to be romantic or sexual relationships, because they are balanced and have the skills to root through their fears and desires as they arrive. Each of these types of men that I know personally say that when they finally opened up to their men it was one of the best things they ever did. These men can be gay, by the way.
The other type of man doesn’t believe that any men have deep meaningful male friendships where they speak with each other about their problems. When I try to ask them about such things they scoff at me. They say, “Men just don’t talk like that.” This type of man believes men are punished for being vulnerable with women. They sometimes speak from experience, and extrapolated their pain to believe that sharing was problematic as a rule.
Here are two slices of Instagram that represent the two sides.
Example 1, representing men that do not believe in deep male friendships - check out both the slides and the comments. The comments have gotten more varied since I initially saw the post.
Exhibit 2 from Brick City Buddha online who said: “I was going to caption this ‘Men Need Men to Heal’ but switched it to ‘Women Need to ask the Men they Date’ bc of how many more looks it would get”
Thanks to the account Mantalks (podcast here) I have begun to realize how bad and feminized a lot of talk therapy has been for men, and from another source or two I’ve learned how it can be abusive towards men. A lot of men are dragged into therapy by women partners who want their views validated more than they want to heal and work together to make progress in the relationship. It often ignores men.
Men are different than women, they need different things.
They also deepen when they become unafraid of any aspect of themselves, be it emotion, sensation, feeling, danger, or problem. They do this better with support from other men in their lives.
My future (currently imaginary) husband has a supportive community of men and women already. I recently argued with a man about this idea. He said that people don’t have time for community, and I see his point, but will not abandon the importance of having a net of people that support each other, even as I slowly figure out how to manage and maintain one for myself. It is not beneficial for significant others to be the sole source of support. We will not always have that energy for one another, especially if time is pressured and creating stress. The priorities must be in meeting and cultivating relationships that feed.
What type of man are you?
Are you like one of my most trusted no-bullshit friends Eric Uresk, championship mindset coach, ex-MMA fighter and coach, with a super hot wife and successful professional life calling people into their best work? He gave me this to use for this article:
Some men have this idea that men aren’t supposed to share their feelings at all, that it’s a sign of weakness. I find that men who subscribe to this belief often carry an immense burden, this burden wears them down over a given length of time.
Do we need to talk about our feeling like women ? No! Sometimes if we are engaged in some type of mission we don’t have time for that , get the mission done and we can unpack later. But we have to unpack if for no other reason than the practical purpose of being able to continue and expand our mission.
This code of secrecy drives all kinds of shame of how they can let themselves be seen. Which contributes to carrying more of that fearful burden. Truth is I don’t think we can be strong all the time, some times I need my brothers to carry me, this can be scary because I don’t want to lose my place in the tribe as a leader but it is integral in my ability to lead effectively that I can be carried if I need to. This builds trust, trust in my support network , trust in myself to ask for what I need , trust that my needs can be met. This ultimately brings a sense of freedom.
Men who do not unburden themselves on regular basis can not experience freedom in my experience and freedom is one of the highest values for most men.
We share so that we can maintain our strength and vitality. Whatever is too rigid becomes brittle. Whatever remains brittle eventually breaks.
Or are you like Dan Lucchini, whose athletic accolades I have literally lost track of, but who also has a beautiful wife he writes regular poetry for and shares online at times, ultra-runner records, and a cadre of coaching clientele literally running to their goals? He shared this with me for this article:
I’ve been lucky enough to have the same best friend for the past 15 years. In that time, he has evolved, I have evolved, and our friendship has evolved into a bond that extends beyond the depths of cognitive comprehension.
A bond that’s strong and true, a connection that’s been forged through laughter, good times, and shared adventures. But more importantly, it’s a relationship that’s built on trust, loyalty, and mutual understanding.
An understanding that can only be found between two men. Because we have shared the same struggles and still do. We have faced the same pressures and still do. Whether it be the forces of nature or culture, society, or DNA, we are inherently linked in a way that can only be found between men. This is why I believe all men are capable of experiencing deep male friendships, but more importantly, I believe all men NEED deep male relationships.
The difference is whether or not we choose to let down our walls to reveal our vulnerabilities to create a shared place of respect where we can be our authentic selves without fear of judgement. We can share our deepest fears, our highest hopes, and our darkest secrets, knowing that our friend will be there to support and encourage us every step of the way. Through hard truths, over the top hype ups, and sombre realities. We can trust that what they offer is the truth.
The friendship that I share with my best friend is a true wonder of my life, a safe haven, a purpose, and something I cherish each and every day.
🖖🏻👊🏻☮️(😘)