What sends you into instant fear?
There has to be something that makes your body tighten up or your hair stand on end automatically.
If not please go back to your Zen mountaintop and also teach me your methods.
In indulging in Existential Kink, which is Carolyn Elliott’s book I’ve recommended way more times than I’ve read (but I’m evening out those numbers now), I’ve been asking myself this kind of Uno-Reverse question around if I could love every throat-tightening sensation as it comes up.
For example, I received a little constructive feedback from a podcast interviewee, and, as soon as I opened the DM, could tell that’s what it was going to be.
I HATE opening feedback that isn’t 100% positive.
My upper body tightens up like I’m bracing for impact. My ego shudders in anticipation. I’m often tempted to avoid looking until I can calm down if I suspect negative feedback. When I finally open it it’s with my eyes half-shut and head tilted as if to avoid being physically hit.
I used to write 4-5 articles a month on Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for a publication that just let me fly free, switched to one that had an editor that gave me feedback, and immediately assumed they hated me because they gave me suggestions to improve my writing. I actually quit pretty early with them.
This has long been one of my greatest mountains to overcome.
If I took the Internal Family Systems approach I would do something like this:
I would pause
Find the fear in my body and acknowledge it in as much detail as I could
Check in with how I felt toward it, because if I’m not open or curious then that’s another layer I need to entertain with my attention according to the therapeutic flow chart, either asking the top feeling for space or more information about ITS fears
Have a conversation with the parts
Learn about their fears and motivations as things-that-are-not-me
Build a relationship with them over time and help them eventually unburden themselves of their fears and worries, sometimes quickly and sometimes over months
If I took the shamanic approach I would probably act on my intuition, shortcut a lot of that ^^ or modify it in order to send a spirit to the light, but still use a lot of similar framework.
In the EK (Existential Kink) model as I’ve been experimenting with it, I question my trigger immediately as soon as I notice it by asking myself, “How do I enjoy this feeling?”
I scrape off the story or stories I have around why this is bad, including thoughts and memories around it. I strive to simply feel what is happening in my body. My friend DJ has pointed out that this is also very similar to the yellow and white book Letting Go, but I gave away my copy before I finished it, and Carolyn Elliott’s voice makes her self-help book sound like a romance novel on Audible so it’s way more fun.
For many of us, we will get seriously, seriously offended at the idea that we could “LIKE” or “LOVE” something that we react to strongly in the negative. But the sensations are just sensations, and the stories are overlaid on top of it. I’m not actually putting my hand in a fire, so the sensations don’t actually HURT me in that type of immediate, urgent way.
Carolyn teaches a slowed down, meditative approach in her book, but I’m far too eager to play even when I don’t have time for that.
I feel the sensations and wonder how I enjoy it. I assume I do enjoy it and I just have to figure out how to experience it that way. Maybe there’s a story I’d fully deny most of the time that I can admit to now. Maybe I can simply turn it around and say “I LOVE being criticized” until it feels like a fetish and the sensations genuinely change. Maybe ONLY feeling it with 100% positive intent is all I need.
The act of fully allowing myself to enjoy what is happening shifts my relationship to the thing rapidly. It makes me more unified instead of more separate. When I fight the thing I’m feeling I am split farther apart. Taking pleasure in it seems a wholly healing event.
There are a lot of skills in this that it’s possible take years to develop, but maybe not.
Can you practice feeling things without judging them? For sure.
Can you practice entertaining the idea that you like the thing you hate? Yup.
Can you practice on something easier and with less history behind it first? Yes.
Maybe you need to practice for a good long while until you find the sweet spot that changes your whole experience about what pisses you off.
Maybe you like the feeling of being pissed off. Ever think of that? Maybe if you gave yourself permission to fall utterly in unresisted love with the feeling of being pissed off it would change everything about the way you feel things.
This is the most advanced form of non-judgement I’ve ever tried to practice.
It is also the most internally unifying thing I’ve ever done, and that makes perfect sense to me. Approval is unifying my insides instead of entertaining them at war or in roles of saving and being rescued.
I’m going to start launching a regular coaching prompt for paid subscribers, which is $5/month or $32/year. They will challenge you to improve your relationships with yourself and others with ideas like this and other skilled inquiries into yourself.
I have a question for you, though. Please give me feedback - would you prefer to get a prompt once a week or one every other week?
Every other week might be better to have enough time to work on it. Maybe every week is better for accountability and habits?
Another request - can you add a comment where you criticize me so I can practice my new kinky response?
After moving through my sensations, the charge was gone because I fully accepted it. When I actually opened the DM, I read it without cringing and realized it was a good idea being offered in a helpful way.
No criticisms calling at this time. Yay on the constructive criticism feeling chill as a cuke. Every week prompts I am down for.
I have a criticism: I can't find you as a guest on any recent podcast episodes! 🤷♂️🤷♂️