I’ve been trying to be honest for a long time.
It feels so important as it’s also been so hard. I am driven to consistently pursue the goal of existing in honesty and yet the cost of keeping my soul (as far as I can tell) has oftentimes seemed of little reward. Why can’t I ignore things just a little more than I already do? Those people seem happy. Except that they don’t, most of the time…
So no side of the fence is quite living a life that satisfies deep down inside. The office workers are often doing things that don’t matter to them at all. Entrepreneurs all seem to be struggling excepting a very small few. I’m caught up in a narrative that keeps me fear-bound and from which I see nothing but struggle and difficulty in business, even though that’s definitely not the truth.
I know and speak to 3 people regularly who also turn every line of their speech over looking for the signs of lying to themselves. 3 people who seem similarly devoted to being as honest as we can. I thought that others wanted to do this, but I haven’t found them. Being honest means honesty across uncomfortable emotions, across sexual fantasies, across things that could get you cancelled, across things that show you you might be lying to yourself, across feeling things fully in your motherfuckin goddam body. Deeper. Deeper.
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