I saw a reel on Instagram that I goddam didn’t save, but the woman with two (or three?) kids was giving the results of their family experiment where she got rid of all the toys except for MagnaTiles and ….something else I think. Then she listed four things that surprised her about the experiment.
(1) was definitely that nobody noticed, which was crazy
(2) might have been that the kids were so much more down for cleaning up when it came time to, with way fewer arguments
(3) could have been that the kids all read a lot more books
And I don’t remember what the 4th was right now. Possibly something about sharing more and getting along better but I can’t be sure. Guess you’ll have to experiment yourself and report back!
Kids exist in a perpetual state of stimulation, if you let them. They’re experiencing everything in such presence it’s as if they are on mushrooms all of the time. Or at least that’s the comparison that seems to get the idea across best to adults.
There’s a nice definition of truly zen meditation I read in Powers of Mind by Adam Smith, a book from the 70s, where they used studies to plug different advanced meditators and yogis in to monitor their brainwaves. The deepest levels “were as if walking down a busy street and clearly seeing every face, which they could remember later, with no change in brain wave activity.” Can you say present and nonreactive.
Now - that’s a truly trained mind, one that has groomed itself into maturity and had time to develop. Our brains go through synaptic pruning periods at least twice in our youth, where masses of unused synapses are eliminated through orderly cell death. The brain does create new connections and cells all the time, but the massive creation and release is at a different level when you’re young, although I did discover something about how women’s brains increase in gray matter 2-4 weeks postpartum as they exercise new areas of the brain (see below). I’m not terribly satisfied with the articles myself but it was interesting.
Basically you keep what is used and nurtured, and the brain gets rid of the rest.
And what I don’t think parents realize is that noisy, flashy, and extremely colorful toys can be overstimulating to a child’s brain. They are designed to create that hyperstimulation, even though kids don’t need it to be interested in things. Seriously - how many kids have you witnessed simply picking up and putting down gravel over and over and over and over again? Perhaps having all these hyperstimulating toys sets their attention palate, if you will, at a level that is actually kind of numbing them out long term, less able to be satisfied with normal life, and setting them up to being a longterm consumer of hyperstimulating things, forever. Unless they change it and put in real effort to recalibrate themselves. When you set the stress bar at a certain height as normal, that’s what you’ll return to again and again, thinking that something is wrong when you encounter something less.
It’s the same thing that happens in a way when you try to stop eating processed foods, that are also designed to keep you taking bite after bite, never quite satisfying but literally engineered to the exact amount of crunch, salt, sweet, and variation in flavor chip to chip (for example), that keeps you seeking forever. As Peter Crone says, “Nothing is so addictive as that which almost works.” Author Mark Schatzker coined the term and then named his book The Dorito Effect.
It’s hard to overeat on steak with minimal seasoning. I talked about satiety in one of my Normal Wednesday posts. It’s hard to get overstimulated with natural toys outside like sticks, dirt, and leaves, or with items from around the house that kinda represent stuff they can expect to be around the house forever, regardless of age. I have definitely seen a baby in a high chair choose a silicone ladel over toys over and over again.
Does that mean that you should never have toys? No! Do whatever you want. I am the childless asshole, remember, who thinks they know things. But perhaps you could shift the way you look at what constitutes a toy and why you have them in the first place.
Why do you choose the toys you choose?
Promote learning: I mean, so much marketing is driven toward this idea that the toy that you’re buying is going to make your Baby an Einstein. A lot of the claims have been disputed over the years, but it’s an easy pill to swallow. What are they learning, though? Learning is something that’s done based on their own interests and fascinations, and often done in concert with you, mom and dad, so they feel involved in the activities that you are doing. Yes, it will be messy, and yes, they will suck at them before they get good at them. You probably suck at things you’re just learning, and you have motor coordination that’s already developed somewhat. Set your expectations squarely low and process-focused. So very much learning is happening that looks nothing like a classroom but simply like living life trying to do things. I could argue that hyperstimulating toys actually distract kids from developing their interests naturally.
Entertainment: I’d be curious to interview you and ask why you want your kids to be entertained, actually. Is it because you are burned out and need time away from being their focus? That’s cool. (Seriously, you have to manage). But these types of toys and a lot of YouTube channels are probably limiting your children’s abilities to entertain themselves. Let them get bored. You probably can’t with toddlers, because everything is fascinating. You probably can with older kids who have been told “no” a lot and don’t feel included in the family dynamic.
Fun, or my kids asked for them: Great reason lol. Can they have fun in a way that’s creative, open-ended, and maybe even fun for you to do together, which will potentially make them miss toys less? Can you stay away from the toy aisle? What do they like about the toys? Can this foster more conversation between you and them that gets to something about the way they feel if their friends all have it but they don’t, etc.? Can you through observation note what needs they are getting met through the toys?
I’m not out here to vilify every toy you’ve ever gotten for your kids. I just see so many frustrations that go along with them that could be simplified so much.
Side effects of too many toys include an overstimulated household, with way more clutter. Having a ton of toys makes for a lot of stuff spread out, and a touched-out mom can easily get into a cycle of frustration and give-up-ness around the mess, which can affect everyone. We’re already in these artificial boxes with straight walls that don’t exist in nature. Stimulating, colorful mess can exacerbate stress for the whole family. More toys just makes it more difficult to clean up when you do. Besides that, there have been studies on happiness showing that when you pass a certain amount of choices that you actually decrease in satisfaction. I saw a study displayed around satisfaction and number of chocolates at a Bodies exhibit in Amsterdam and never forgot about it.
Imagine your children having just 2-3 choices of toys to play with like Legos, art supplies, or Magna Tiles. What does that feel like to you if you sit with it for a moment or few?
This sort of psychology works with children when you offer them limited choices from what they do have, too. It narrows the overwhelm. Many parents are already on the train of “would you like the red shirt or the blue shirt?” to give a feeling of agency while moving the train along.
This shit is complicated and I’m having trouble wrapping this up. So unless I come up with something better before it publishes, this is what I got.
What do you think?