Radical Self-Love Letter
My favorite definition of pain comes from Katy Bowman:
Sensation with the intention to withdraw.
Kind of broadens the spectrum, doesn't it? Makes it so that "pain" doesn't have to be physical much at all, but the emergent energetic state of something happening.
So.....
I'd like to ask you, what parts of yourself do you feel the intention to withdraw from?
Let's use that as a definition for a part of you that you don't love.
To put it brutally, imagine a mom withholding her hug from her child.
Are there parts of your body that you will not touch or that you cannot without disgust?
Mine used to be my boobs, my vagina, and my stomach.
I went through a several-years process of wondering why I felt so entirely disgusted with my body hair. I think, yeah, I'm still going through this a little bit.
It's very easy to think of our bodies in this utilitarian, service-based way, like it's simply a thing to get work done with.
Yet at least a few people with that viewset probably cringe inside when they hear about a horse or ox being used into the ground then sold for meat with no appreciation or thanks.
I took a course called Nectar with Carly Rae Beaudry a while ago and I still follow her on Instagram. And I was just thinking about how fucking radical she is. Like I could not share most of her content without expecting to be descended upon by the baked-in Mr. Smiths about how what she is saying is dangerous, unfair, or my favorite - irresponsible.
Because she posts about the most radical forms of self-acceptance that you could, which fly in the face of Rockefeller Medicine especially when it comes to your relationship to your sex organs and your ability to make decisions for yourself regardless of what your doctor says is best. Getting to know your own vagina or penis, your own asshole, your own womb, your body, intimately, inside and out, how it is all adaptable and capable and culminating for women in how very few births are actually emergencies at all.
Did you want to withdraw a little? Just a little?
Why?
When we're taught to think that every decision must be vetted by an outside authority, many of which will never know a single atom on our head much less anything about our lives, because man the economy just gotta keep on movin by selling you the answer about what it is you should be doing and desiring, it's no wonder most of the population is uncomfortable with the very idea of loving your entire body.*
Dr. Gabor Mate says that the root word of familiar is family, and whatever it is that you grew up with no matter how awful (or not) is the stuff with which you are most familiar. And since you did survive you will tend to try and recreate the familiar over and over again even if it doesn't really serve you.
Well, I went through public education and national TV channels and magazines and whatever twisted lyrics were on the radio getting stuck in my head and culture dictates from above too.
So how much of you do you love?
How much of you do you have a relationship with that involves zero intention to withdraw?
Would you like an exercise to do about that?
We start with the simple use of our senses.
Option 1 is to stand in front of a mirror, naked, and see where your throat gets caught up when you try to say "I love my ____" until you get through the whole body. It will get easier if you stay for even a few minutes. Similar to meditation, the first few minutes are often a thrashing death rattle of your most reactive tendencies to internal awareness.
Option 2 is to take your hands and place them in different places on your body and notice your own reaction and where it's coming from.
Option 2B is to take some lotion (try using a natural fat straight from the kitchen!), and to lovingly smooth it into different parts of your body.
I get that any of these things could take like an hour or more and you very understandably may not have time nor tolerance for that. Without knowing more about your objections or your objectives, here's some totally general progressive-load-based examples of how to run this.
Quit while you're still having fun.
Do the parts that seem easy first.
Be as curious as you can, - a simple rhetorical "why?" is your friend towards any negative feelings that come up. Truly, even better, your ability to observe things rather than analyze anything is the fastest route to changing anything.
Set or notice what amount of time works for you to start with that feels totally reasonable, no matter how short it is.
Set a goal to overthrow the patriarchy (hahahah we could talk a lot about what this even means but it was funny here so I went with it) by learning to absolutely love yourself, meaning you do not have an intention to withdraw from any parts of you.
I wish to live in a world in which intimacy does not scare people.
*I actually do not think that we would cease to have wonders of technology and economy if people started to interact with their bodies in a loving way. Humans are the best at figuring out how to do things in the world.
I keep thinking that I would love to run a retreat again. I did one years ago in Wyoming and loved it. But that doesn't really accomplish the goal. And then I think I'd want people to visit with their whole families where everyone spent the week or weekend talking about these issues and communicating and discussing what it is that bothers them about themselves while others sat and listened and helped when the time was right for helping and others set a new example for them to observe and maybe listen to. Similar to the partner-based Bodywork Magic, I see answers mostly in how people interact with each other at home using these ideas I love. Even though I see all the value and connections with people loving themselves first, doing this in community is much more meaningful and magical. In many ways that's why a coach is valuable over an online recorded course. Someone is literally witnessing you. There's so much benefit in that.
If this sparks any thoughts, write back.